Querying* robbed me of my writing joy and creativity... so here's what I did.

I stopped.

That's it.

I just stopped.

Because I was always in control of my decision to query or not to query and because two things were more important: my writing dreams and my mental health.

Now, all aspiring authors who have been in the querying trenches will understand the second one. The impact on the mental health of querying authors is visible on socials and in writing groups. How demoralised, anxious, and sometimes even depressed aspiring authors can get from constant rejections or worse – ghostings. The phrase ‘it only takes one yes’ gets bandied about like a beacon of hope. But is it really? The picture gets distorted because those who get that ‘yes’ broadcast their news across social media (understandably) leaving many many others hiding in corners, refreshing inboxes and madly searching MSWLs. You see another newly agented author today and think ‘it only takes one yes’. But what happens if that yes is never you?

So quitting querying protected my mental health.

But let’s talk about my writing dream. How, you might ask, can the query process be robbing me of that dream? After all, the whole point of the process is achieving the dream, right?

My dream is to write book club fiction novels with relatable characters that are full of heart, and make my readers feel moved, inspired and seen. Novels they recommend to their friends, or come back to during difficult times, or keep on their shelf and remember where they were when they first met those characters.

And here’s the rub… to achieve that dream I don't need an agent grappling with an impenetrable publishing industry, and I don't need to bow at the feet of the all-powerful publishing gods. OK, I do need a modest amount of upfront investment - but maybe not as much as you'd think especially if you have some skills and / or a willingness to learn (I’ll be doing later posts about this). And I do need to throw myself into sales and marketing of my book. But the more I learnt about traditional publishing the more I realised I’d be expected to do that anyway. Only the big names get the big marketing bucks. Most get... nothing. Zero.

Which brings me to the real reason I quit querying. It was destroying my creativity. Not just impacting it: destroying it.

I’d stopped thinking about writing and started thinking about how to impress agents. I’d stopped thinking about my readers and started thinking about ‘the market’. I’d stopped thinking about narratives and started thinking about ‘the hook’. Because ‘the hook’ is what sells books, you see. It’s not necessarily what makes books great, or relevant, or heartfelt, or well-written. But it is what intrigues a consumer long enough for them to pick a book up off the shelf or hit ‘buy now’.

There’s nothing wrong with having a great hook. But when a writer’s thoughts linger on it – or obsess over it in an attempt to attract agents and get that ‘yes’… it can become problematic.

And for me at least, it impacted what mattered most: my writing.

So as I said, I stopped querying.

And something happened.

I found joy again. I found words. They flowed out of me like a dam had burst, a dam constructed of rejections, ghostings, and self-doubt.

I had been considering indie publishing for maybe 6 months. But the moment I decided to do it, a weight lift from me. It was almost visceral. Overnight (literally) I stopped thinking about pleasing / impressing agents and adhering to market expectations and tinkering with my hook. I turned my attention to only one thing: my future readers. What did I need to do to serve them, whether they numbered in the tens, hundreds, thousands, or millions.

I WAS FREE!

I had taken away the barriers between me and my readers and I have to tell you, it would take a lot of convincing for me to add any barriers back. 

Within a week of my decision I'd appointed a cover designer, a copy editor, and a virtual book tour company. Within a month I'd built and launched my website, mailing list, and announced my intention to publish on socials. The congratulations and celebrations followed. My friends, family, writing groups, former colleagues, Instagram followers DON'T CARE how that publishing has come about. They are supportive of my decision, encouraging of my dreams, and will ultimately judge my writing based on the book I release. If they like it, they'll recommend it and buy my next one. If they don't – that’s OK! I have no advance to 'earn out', no publishing company placing expectations on me, and no agent whose livelihood depends on my success. I will grow my community of readers organically as more of my books are released and I will be living my writing dream doing exactly that.

I almost regret not having come to this decision a year ago and wasting all that time on personalising query letters, and crafting synopses, and reading form responses.

But I've decided not to regret that because it got me to this point and I am 100% confident in where I am. If I hadn't been through a year of querying maybe I wouldn't feel that confidence in my decision. Besides which I've learned so much from the generous, insightful, and hard-working agents I met along the way.

They say you need to know the rules about something so you can decide which to break. That year querying has taught me the rules of the publishing game, and I know which I’ll follow, which I’ll break, and who will stay the focus of my decisions: my future readers.

Sarah M. Birrell’s debut will be published later this year and she couldn’t be happier. Please join her community of readers, and show that narratives, not marketing budgets, matter.

*For those non-writers out there: ‘Querying’ is the process of sending a writing sample to agents in the hopes that they will sign you. It is rare to get a book deal from a large publishing company without an agent advocating on your behalf.